Thursday, October 21, 2010

Who's Afraid of the Big, Blank Page?


Tuesday night I met with my favorite aunt’s book club. I knew it would be a great group when one of the special guests (a member’s 84 year-old mother) arrived with a hip flask of bourbon in one cardigan pocket and a can of 7-Up in the other. During the discussion, one of the women told me she’d recently read Driftless, by fellow Wisconsin author David Rhodes. Driftless is Mr. Rhodes’ first novel in thirty years, after a motorcycle accident that left him paralyzed. My aunt’s friend proceeded to ask me if I’d ever taken a leave of absence from writing, and if not, if I even felt such a thing would be possible. 

“Funny you should ask,” I replied. Because after my second novel crashed and burned, I did take a hiatus from writing. I had a crisis of confidence…it became nearly painful to write, and I even lost pleasure in reading fiction. I became terrified of the blank page. Several months passed, until a health scare shook me out of my paralysis. I didn’t feel ready to write fiction yet, but I could bake…I could garden…I could design the invitations to my sister’s wedding shower. Anything to reignite the creative spark I seemed to have lost. 

The conventional wisdom is that if you are a writer, you will feel a near-physical compulsion to write; and if you are a novelist, to tell stories. However, what of Harper Lee, who never wrote another book after To Kill a Mockingbird? Ralph Ellison…J.D. Salinger, who stopped writing for the public after The Catcher in the Rye? Well, if I never published again, I’d be in good company.  But if I felt an actual aversion to writing, did that mean I was no longer a writer? Maybe I was just pouting.

I’d gone through this before, when self-doubt hamstrung me.  But after some time hiding out and avoiding the blank page, I always came back to it. Because in the end, writing makes me happy—fleshing out characters, playing with language, structuring a scene. It's in my blood, and I'll probably keep writing even if I'm my only audience. The lovely thing I discovered along the way is that sometimes a break isn’t a bad thing, because it can inspire just the breakthrough you need.

What about you? Have you ever stopped writing for awhile? If so, how did you come back to it? 

~~~~~~~
Jess Riley is the author of Driving Sideways (Ballantine Books, 2008). She's currently working on two novels and is no longer afraid of the blank page, rejection, or crummy reviews. She is, however, still afraid of heights.








10 comments:

  1. Such an honest post. And I can think of very few writers that don't have a failed novel or two stashed away, me included.

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  2. What doesn't kill you...Seems like that urge to write can go underground--or come out sideways--but never goes away completely. So glad to know you have two books in the works!

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  3. Hi Jess, Count me in your club--and I'd also love to visit your aunt's book club! I've definitely had days/weeks/months where I felt that loss of confidence. I wondered (and still do) if I'd ever get another book published. But, like you, I'm a writer. So I write. And I'm also afraid of heights.

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  4. It's nice to know we're not alone, isn't it? :) Thanks for chiming in, guys!

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  5. Jess, that's a gorgeous cover. I don't think of periods when I'm not writing as not writing. I think of it as cocooning, storing up life and sensory experience without even knowing it, letting the rain refill the well. I'd come up with more strained and cliched metaphors, but I'm guessing you get the gist of my message by now so I'll spare you. Btw, is anyone *positive* Harper Lee hasn't written more books? All we know for sure is that she hasn't bothered to publish more books.

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  6. Jess, it's so great that you're writing again! As corny as it sounds, I believe that things happen for a reason, even if we're not sure of what they are at the time. Maybe, as Lauren said, your mind was taking the time to squirrel away new sensations and experiences for these books you're working on now. Whatever it was, yay for breakthroughs and rediscovering the pleasure of story telling! Oh, yeah, and I'm afraid of heights, too! ;-)

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  7. What a beautifully written post. You are so honest and brave!! (And funny!!!)

    I've gone through lots of periods where I couldn't or just didn't want to write. And I ALWAYS thought about what you said-- how people say that "real" writers HAVE to write. It always made me question myself as a writer.

    So glad to see that I'm not alone-- I'm actually in very good company!

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  8. Nope, you're not alone at all! Second and third and fourth novels sometimes crash and burn and it can really make you doubt yourself. I know. I'm sorry about your health scare and hope you are well and enjoying writing, gardening and and living!

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  9. Jess, I just went through a period of self doubt, too. I wasn't sure what I should write next. I'd start a bunch of things and feel none of them were right -- or they were great ideas but I wasn't the author for them. I began wondering if it was too late to change career paths and do something easier like, oh, neuro-surgery or becoming a rock star... :) I don't think these moments make any of us less of a writer -- just that we've gained more awareness of the world and its perceptions, swung too far into its influence. So, to counter that, we tend swing too far back in the other direction. Back and forth until we find our balance again. I think you're doing exactly what you need to be doing right now ;).

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  10. My answer to this question is that if I could stop writing, I would in hot second. But I can't, so for fear of going crazy (okay crazier) I just never go more than 72 hours w/o writing anymore. It helps that my husband stages an intervention whenever I try. Apparently, I'm hard to live with if I'm not writing...

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