Thursday, February 10, 2011

Awkward? Don't Mind if I Do!

Writing sex scenes. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. Possibly because they are so easy to botch: it’s easy to get too pornographic, too schmaltzy, too cliché. I also worry that readers--particularly relatives--will believe that the sex scene is a reflection of my actual life (hey, write what you know!). So despite the fact that one of my characters would TOTALLY be into bondage or voyeurism or dressing up in a gorilla costume, my initial reaction is always to censor him or her. But I usually push through this impulse, because I feel I owe it to my characters to let them run wild on the page, being their whole, true selves in all their honest glory. No matter how twisted.

Lucky for me, there were no sex scenes in Driving Sideways—there were, however, numerous anecdotal references to awkward or hilarious sexual episodes that made my more puritanical relatives sit much farther from me at Thanksgiving.

And this is essentially my approach to sex scenes. Find the funny and keep it real. Because let’s face it, sex can be hilarious! It’s an event that can go from “Don’t even think of stopping!” to “Dear God, I hope I never see you again!” in under a minute. There are smells, sounds, and sights one frequently doesn’t want to behold. There may be uncomfortable, unusual requests that show up in a Tweet later.

Sometimes one of the parties is trying to watch Conan O’Brian over his/her partner’s shoulder. Sometimes the dog won’t come out from under the bed—or worse, watches. Sometimes someone gets a cramp or sneezes during oral sex. Sometimes during the act you think about the dry cleaning you forgot to pick up or that open house you want to attend this Sunday or how full your bladder suddenly feels. And sometimes one of the parties must suddenly bolt from the room in an often futile attempt to conceal an ill-timed fart.

Oh sure, once in awhile “cinematic” sex is called for—you know, the kind of frantic, desperate, heated coupling most married people don’t believe in any more. I like to think of it as Easter Bunny sex—you’re pretty sure it existed once, because you have fond memories of it. This all-consuming, hormonal kind of sex has a short shelf life, because most people simply can’t sustain Level Ten passion and actually go about their daily business. The prep work alone for that kind of experience just eats up too much time.

Sex can be tender, painful, intense, angry, weird, beautiful, heartbreaking, selfish, funny, shy, embarrassing, or boring. Maybe the same couple will cycle through all of these in the course of their relationship. Ultimately, sex is a form of communication, and before I write any such scene, I have to ask myself: what does the scene call for? What are my characters thinking, feeling, recovering from, secretly wanting? Does one of them like the other just a bit more?

(Psst: the answer is Yes.)

Above all, when two of your characters are about to get it on, please do not call it ‘lovemaking.’ Somewhere a puppy is kicked every time that word is used. Also, wherever he is at that moment, Adam Richman gags. Which is really saying something for a man who regularly horks down buckets of food that weigh more than a husky terrier.

PS: For some reason, the first word that popped into my mind when I sat down to write this was “glisten.” Disgusting.










Jess Riley swears those are not her feet (fetishes) on the cover.

11 comments:

  1. OMG, Jess! Love it! Easter Bunny, Alan Rickman and Sex...a great way to start the day! Luckily, my manuscript has only one sex scene, but boy, I had trouble writing it. I don't know if it was my southern genteelness or the fear my family will read it, but my face stayed flaming red until I was finished. Ha, ha...no pun intended. ;)

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  2. When an author visited my book club we discussed this exact thing! She said she felt very awkward when her daughters read them.

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  3. You are so funny. Thanks for a great early morning laugh.

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  4. Great post--thanks! I am trying to psych myself up for writing my first sex scene within the next few days. Hmm...just in time for Valentine's Day...maybe that will get me in the mood... I'm still not sure how descriptive I will be or how much I will include. I've been with my husband for 11 years, so "Easter Bunny sex" is a distant memory to work from. Maybe I need to skim through a few Harlequins for a quick refresher course...

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  5. I still cringe when I think about how my Grandma read the book TWICE, as if she were really puzzling through some of the twistedness. "Would my granddaughter actually eat a pube during a game of truth or dare? That doesn't sound like her!"....it wasn't, but I still die a little inside just imagining that inner monologue. :)

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  6. Thanks for articulating so much truth and humor in one post.

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  7. Jess, My grandmother still can't believe I used the word "deflowered" (ironically I might add) in my 1st novel. Luckily, I don't think she read my 2nd.

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  8. Jess, your posts are always so funny!! What a great take on the sex scene-- and I think you've coined a great new expression in "Easter Bunny" sex. Love it!

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  9. Oh my stars this made me laugh!! As a reader I am always impressed with a really good sex passage, I like them real, and honest. That "Easter Bunny" sex was good....no doubt, but I agree, that prep was a killer....now I'm just happy if I'm clean and the kids are asleep, because you know they are all teens and cringe that we might still be doing it....LOL!!

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  10. Now I'll be thing of Easter Bunny sex all day. Great post, Jess!

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  11. Anita, you are bringing back some horrible memories for me. LOL!!

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